“Wow, there’s another one!” Shane says, pointing in the direction of yet another worldie.
We’re just about to arrive at our hotel in Novi Sad, ahead of Serbia’s world famous EXIT festival and my sex hungry wingman has fallen in love several times already – and we’ve only just arrived.
We check-in to the Central Hotel as fast as we can and within minutes are sipping Serbian beer whilst watching streams of beautiful young women pass us down Freedom square.
It’s hot, sunny (25ºC – 28ºC ) and the ratio of girls to boys is easily 2:1.
After a couple of Rakias (the country’s national drink) it was time trade our shameful perving sesh for the real reason we’re here… Exit!
We first found ourselves in the No Sleep bar, where we fuelled our tired bodies with cheap (£4) cocktails, which contained more spirits than I dare to remember.
The festival kicked off with an epic firework display, where flamed could be seen falling from above, as monster rockets exploded like mini atom bombs.
I doubt the Serbs take health and safety as seriously as us Brits – but they sure as hell know how to light up the sky!
Unlike most other outdoor festivals, the fortress walls cushion the sounds which makes the experience much more intense.
There’s actually a silent disco, too.
Shortly after blagging a set of backstage passes to watch the Belgian beauty, Amelie Lens, we decided to call it a night.
By the time we woke up, it was lunchtime.
So after lining our guts with some more, grape-flavoured Rakia it was time to feast on a traditional, meaty Serbian dish – the Ćevapčići (pronounced “che-vap-chi-chi”, I think) – which is basically a huge plate of sausages and meat.
Next stop: Petrovaradin Fortress.
For less than a fiver, we were guided through the cold, dimly lit tunnels and taught how its genius architecture prevented the fortress from ever being conquered.
With one half of the building shielded by water, the other was lined with explosives. No wonder this tactful masterpiece was never breached.
We just about made it to the end (8am) but while Maceo Plex’s impressive closing set geared up thousands for the after party, we decided to call it a night.
We spent most of the day bird watching (perving), getting fat on ice cream and learning about Novi Sad and it’s legends, which included Jovan Jovanović Zmaj and Albert Einstein’s ex-wife, Mileva Marić.
There’s local rumours that the curly-haired scientist’s former missus and mathematician was in fact the brains of the relationship.
So, beautiful AND brainy huh…? Somebody find me a Slavic wife, ASAP!!!
Beautiful Serbian woman at Exit Festival 2018
We decided to trade a night of raving to test out the town’s best burgers (Toster Bar) before experience some the Novi Sad nightlife.
Laza Telecki Street is a great place to start and there’s an alleyway just off Zmaj Jovina Street, which is packed full of some of the sexiest students you’ll ever see.
Puberaj, Bauhaus and Pub Lazino Tele are also worth checking out.
We kicked off our last day in Serbia, with a private pool party along the river which overlooked Freedom Beach, while our pal, DJ Ron Mexico, took to the decks.
But as the night approached, it was time to ditch the lux-life for the Dance Arena, where EDM legends, David Guetta and Martin Garrix wowed 25,000 of us.
It was Nina Kraviz who closed the festival again for the second year running – but despite extending the show for an extra hour, it seems fans couldn’t get enough of her.
Just as well she’s playing at EXIT’s sister event, the Sea Dance Festival in Montenegro in a couple of months.
There’s a reason this festival has been voted Europe’s best more than once.
In the words of Maceo Plex:
Best festival? very very possible 🤗🎛😜🤘😎 https://t.co/8ou4izhjmG
— Maceo Plex (@MaceoPlex) July 14, 2018
The biggest surprise of the weekend came when I returned my top-up card to the cashier and was handed back a wad of notes.
I know what I’ll be spending my money on, only next time I’ll be returning with a Serbian wife.
Update: 2019 Exit Lineup: The Cure