I’m in a cabin, tucked away in a field near Amsterdam with electrodes stuck to my head whilst trying to write a story with my mind.

It features angry cow, who’s just attacked a burger stand and now wants to visit Ibiza to get a tan.

Teepees at Lowlands Festival (pic Little Wanderbook)
Teepees at Lowlands Festival (pic Little Wanderbook)
Lowlands Festival 2017
Lowlands Festival 2017
Lowlands Festival 2017
Lowlands Festival 2017
Playtime at Lowlands Festival 2017
Playtime at Lowlands Festival 2017
Lowlands Festival 2017
Lowlands Festival 2017

No, I’m not off my face on Shrooms – at least not yet, anyway…

I’m at Lowlands Festival, where 55,000 people gather for the likes of London Grammar, The XX and Bastille.

 

The event isn’t just about music though, as when I wasn’t dribbling over some of my favourite performers, I was getting hooked up to an ECG machine in the “science zone”, where I learned to write a story with just my thoughts, no keyboard.

Dedicating my mind to science at Lowlands Science Zone ECG machine
Dedicating my mind to science at Lowlands Science Zone ECG machine

After I finally put an end to the f*cked up cow story, I set off to explore the rest of the festival.

It runs for three days in the sleepy fields of the village of Lelystad.

This year it is on from August 17 to 19 and you can buy the tickets for by clicking this link.

The headline acts announced so far include Rag’n’Bone Man, Stormzy, Dua Lipa, Gorillaz, Kendrick Lamar, The War On Drugs, Bonobo, Grizzly Bear, and Bicep.

Lowlands Festival 2018 Lineup
Lowlands Festival 2018 Lineup

My experience last year began with a 45-minute flight for less than a hundred quid, on KLM’s new route from London City to Schiphol then a 60-minute drive.

On arrival, my glamping tepee was all set up for me in one of the event’s seven campsites.

 

Teepees at Lowlands Festival (pic Little Wanderbook)
Teepees at Lowlands Festival (pic Little Wanderbook)

 

Lowlands is an arty, hipster event with a tonne of weird sh*t to do – from morning yoga sessions to a naturist spa (seriously).

Yes, there’s a free sauna and hot tub section set up behind some bamboo walls, where visitors get to strip off completely naked on a man-made beach.

Despite an invite to join them, I managed keep my clothes on (this time).

Here's a reminder of when I stripped naked off in 2007 for The Sun during the Eden Project's Naturist event in Cornwall
Here’s a reminder of when I stripped naked off in 2007 for The Sun during the Eden Project’s Naturist event in Cornwall

The nudist area is run by Caro Kuiper and her husband Onno. She says: “You come here and relax. You get clean and leave refreshed. I can see it in people’s eyes when they walk out.”

Across from the nudity is the Science Park, also free.

Playtime at Lowlands Festival 2017
Playtime at Lowlands Festival 2017

Along with my ECG, it features a simulation of a zombie outbreak – showing how quickly we would all be scoffing each others’ brains (see,. told you it was strange).

And there’s a Lowlands’ Got Talent tent where people get their stress levels and heart rate measured before stepping onto a small stage and performing in-front of a little audience.

Although I did plan to grow some balls and give it ago, I was banned for cheating the test, after guzzling a dozen lemon and lime Vodka slushies in preparation.


GETTING THERE

BY CAR?
Navigate to Bijsselseweg 31, Biddinghuizen, The Netherlands and follow the signs Walibi Holland and P Lowlands. By following the signs, you will get directed to the nearest available parking location. Please note that cars are banned on the camp site. Illegally parked vehicles will be towed away. Please don’t forget to buy an additional parking ticket via Ticketmaster. Presale parking tickets are €15, – (Ticketmaster fee included). Did you forget to buy a parking ticket in advance? It will cost you €25,- on site. You can only pay by debit card on site, cash is not accepted.

Your parking ticket is valid for the entire weekend.

BY AIRPLANE?
Are you flying to Lowlands? Our festival site is only one hour away from Amsterdam Schiphol Airport and only two hours away from Rotterdam – The Hague Airport and Eindhoven Airport. It’s easy getting from these airports to Lowlands: you can use The Netherlands’s reliable public transport network to travel to Lelystad train station. From here, you can hop on a free shuttle bus which will bring you to Lowlands in about twenty minutes.

Planning your public transport journey? The 9292OV public transport journey planner or the NS train journey planner might come in handy. You can buy your public transport tickets at the tram, train, metro or bus station where you’re departing from: it’s not neccessary to buy your tickets in advance.

Please see the shuttle bus schedule under ‘Shuttle bus service’.

BY TRAIN?
It’s easy to get to Lowlands by train: please navigate to Lelystad train station. Lowlands is only an hour away from Amsterdam Central Station. From Lelystad, you can take a free shuttle bus to Lowlands.