I’m pinned to the floor, blind, paralysed and soaked in my own piss, begging for it to stop.

My brain is malfunctioning. I’ve forgotten how to talk, stand, think and breathe.

“Lee, stay with me… it will pass” says a voice trying to reassure me from the outside world.

“What the f*ck is happening?!”

I helplessly mumble “please make it stop” but it’s no use, Mother Ayahuasca hasn’t finished with me yet.

I’m once again dragged back into a twisted and f*cked up reality – where my mind, thoughts and senses are uncomfortably tossed around like a metal fork in a blender.

My brain, cooked alive by horrific visions and flashing images – things so warped I cannot even become close to describing.

This was my first experience with Ayahuasca.

When I arrived at the secret checkpoint at 7pm, I was greeted by the guide and another man, who was also to take part in the ritual.

He looked nervous. But later explained how he’d struggled with the pre-ceremony diet and preparations.

All participants are given a special food plan and rules, such as no sex / masturbation, drugs and alcohol for at least a week before the ceremony.

Sounds easy, but it sucks when you’re staying in Patong – the sex and party capital of Phuket.

We were also told to bring a bucket (for puking our guts up), a pillow, blanket and change of clothes as we’d be staying the night.

Our temporary residence was cosy. A large room, with a floor to ceiling glass wall which over-looked the treetops in the mountains. Not quite The Amazon rainforest, but close enough for me.

The shaman performed a brief chant before instructing us to neck the most vulgar shot in the universe. Seriously, it was absolutely, f*cking disgusting!

20 minutes passed, and I’m laying down with my eyes closed, focusing on my breath.

I could feel the dark and slimy elixir making it’s way through my body.

The guy next to me starts to violently puke (aka purge).

Another 10 minutes passed and I could start to see little patterns appear. It was happening.

PHUKET HOLIDAY DEALS

As I shuffled into a more comfy position my body started to melt into the mattress and my visions become more and more intense.

The sound of vomit spraying into a tin bucket began to fade, as I slowly drifted to a nice place.

The first stage was pure bliss. I’d never felt so relaxed or at one in my entire life.

By the second stage, and after another shot of the sh*t tasting plant medicine – I could see and feel everything.

A beaming smile was super glued across my face, I was completely paralysed by comfort.

I’d become air and could see how everything worked and was connected.

I was a passenger, on a journey through life and death… and beyond.

Sounds weird, but it wasn’t and it made sense at the time.

It was the most natural thing I’ve ever experienced.

It was beautiful.

Well, until an hour passed and I decided to take my third and final shot.

Only this time, I was taken to a different place. Somewhere dark and unforgiving.

Ayahuasca can warp your understanding of time. Minutes can feel like hours during a psychedelic trip.

I was trapped, caught up in a never-ending nightmare which reminded me of a sinister version of when Neo couldn’t escape the train station in The Matrix 2.

Another stage felt as if I were caged in a box, like one of those medieval torture things… only I was floating around like George Clooney in Gravity.

It doesn’t matter if you’re eyes are wide open or shut tight as the visions are engraved deep within your head and there’s no escape.

By the time I come round and wiped the snot from my sweating face, I was exhausted.

Grateful, too. And so happy to have my mind back and free of the powerful hallucinogen.

After getting some rest, and waking up the next day I spent the rest of the day reflecting on the beach.

One thing for sure… This whole ‘no sex’ malarky has made me horny as hell!

I’d love to say I feel enlightened, but I’ll save the cheese for a future post.

Ayahuasca was the most profound experience of my life.